ignoreWhite() I flash for cash

Input ≠ Output

Sometimes you put in a lot, only to see the result of your hard work go to someone else. Sometimes you don’t do anything, yet shit comes. Sometimes people have no skill yet they are given the power to make life difficult for you.

Life is sure feeling like that right now for me.

I often kept myself optimistic and pretend to be oblivious to the situation, but I think if I do this anymore I’ll just drive myself crazy. Something just wasn’t right.

Thus, I sat myself down to reflect carefully so I will not make the same mistakes again.

1. I’m just gonna allocate resources to my areas of responsibility from now on. If I decide to give 50% for work, I will just say no. Even if I have extra time like say, after working hours. That way, I will always have free time for self-development.
2. When I give, I give 100% within the capacity I allocate. My intentions should not be to gain anything in return, not even recognition, affirmation, acknowledgement, or even a word of thanks. If I set off with the correct mentality, these things will fall into place eventually. I also save myself from a lot of mindfuck if I don’t get what I expect.
3. Just enjoy what I do and smile while doing it.

Since I don’t always reap what you sow, why do I even choose to be bothered by it? I can’t change the environment or others, I can only work with myself. So this is what I shall do from now on.

A Week Before Flying

I’m a little apprehensive over going to Taiwan. For one, it’d mean I’m not in Singapore, out of my comfort zone. Trying to remain sane for 18 days, stuck in a 40-men bunk, without any exposure civilization (with the exception of 7-11) is going to be tough.

Not to mention, I would be the lowest ranking soldier to be there, meaning I will get no access to gym and to the mess. Only thing to look forward to is the R&R.

But it would be a nice escape into another land. Too bad Jas can’t come along.

I think I’ll like the idea of traveling alone next time. I’m already dreaming of roaming about in Europe in the future. Come on, 7 more months for me to complete my National Service; 7 more months to leave a legacy here, and then I’ll go =)

Dear 2LT

I don’t doubt your ability to make friends, in fact, you can be a very good friend. But I’m sorry, that’s all you’ll be good at.

In the past, I think I was blind in to have given you so much credit. In my observation, you have no sense of gratitude, no sense of right and wrong, no balls and no initiative. Your only world is in your TV show fantasies and idol dramas.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you need to wake up.

When too much work come in, you negotiate and reject, not shut up and take up everything.

When bad things happen, you don’t cry and wait for someone to cover you, sit beside you and listen to you, you handle it. Else you should have rejected it in the first place.

When people do things for you, like cover your ass, help out with your additional shit, you thank them, not keep quiet like you deserved it all. We are your men, not your slaves.

When you see something or someone you don’t agree with, you voice it out and make yourself heard. Scold if you need to, encourage when you have to. You do not keep quiet and complain about it when people are not around.

When you see someone scolding your men, you come up in the front and defend your men, not pretend to be invisible and let your men take fire.

You’re not a baby, please don’t behave like one. Even babies know when to get pissed and when to be happy. If you still wanna act cute, act needy, be picked up all the time, I’d like to see you do that at 30, 40 or 50 years old.

If you think this world lives purely on relationships, good feelings, that it’s all rainbow and butterflies. Wake up. Hasn’t the 9 months taught you anything serious at all? Doesn’t the creed you recite everyday in cadet school mean anything to you?

Yes, I am fucking pissed off. And yes, I don’t think you deserve the bar you hold. Every time I see you do something stupid, I feel like giving myself a kick in the face for not putting in enough effort to make it into officer school.

I don’t know how many times I said it in your face. Unfortunately, the only thing I get back is more apologies and excuses. In the strict military context, my rank is nothing compared to yours. But come on, tell me if I don’t make sense, please. If I do, what the fuck are you doing?

Anyway, just complete your four months of service and leave. And grow a pair please, if not for yourself, do it for the sake of the people who you’ll work with in the future.

!Belong

Belonging, I think everyones want to belong somewhere, be associated with something or someone. After all, no man is an island on his own.

Yet, I’ve come to learn that the complexity of human relationships makes it a very difficult thing to handle. All 23 years of my life I’ve thought the only way to keep a relationship going is to give, be it money, things, attention, whatever.

But at the end of the day I’ll start questioning myself if doing these things will mean anything. I don’t wanna blow my own horn but many many times, I feel like I give too much and get little in return. Although I shouldn’t demand for anything, it’s these little things that add up kill me. Perhaps I’m just envious of the fact that some people can naturally have it all and I can’t. Inferiority complex. :(

My sis told me a few weeks back that this way of looking at life is very flawed. I think deep down I know something is wrong with my approach too. But what if I tell you that I have no idea what the correct approach should be like?

A friend made a comment saying that I have got “a lot of friends here.”

So why then do I feel like I don’t belong anywhere?

Few Days of Living Alone

While everyone was off in Malaysia, I stayed over at Make Studios (aka my future). One thing good about living alone is that you never have to worry about people bugging or nagging at you.

The bad thing is that being at Clarke Quay, everything is freaking overpriced. But it was good, I spent a few days in quiet just doing work, and I think I levelled up.

On a reflective note... To most people, I may seem to have a very high tolerance for things (correct me if I'm wrong). But I don't. I just keep quiet because I don't know how to voice out without sounding like an arse. Perhaps I doubt my own reasons for hanging on to that "right", that could be it.

I think I better sort this out soon. I hate to know that I can do work well, but fail at communicating with people. Argh.