ignoreWhite() I flash for cash

Why I Work So Hard

Some people ask me why I work so hard for an organization like the army. Let’s just say that I’m very thankful to be given the chance to do programming and design despite being combat fit. When I compare my life with the rest of my friends, I really think I get it much better.

None of the work I do can be featured in my portfolio for obvious reasons. But c’mon, how many people in the army actually get to work on their future while serving their two years? I’m not complaining.

What I’m Missing

I miss clubbing and partying.

I miss my iPhone.

I miss life – non-military, actual, real, life.

I miss talking to you late in the night, just the two of us. I’m awfully jealous of your new obsessions, just so you know. But to prevent another end-of-the-world from happening, I have decided not to even tell you – and avoid you till the feelings fade.

Fight On

Sometimes you try your best, but what if “your best” is just not good enough? - Karen D.

This was what a friend told me back in my Polytechnic days. But at that point in time, I told her a matter-of-factly that it didn’t matter, that she just needed to work harder and everything would just fall into place.

Now that I look back, I realize that the advice I gave was flawed. Being better (or the best) is not only about working on the things I’m weak at (eg. a school subject). After a few years of trying, it suddenly hit me that working on external problems will not make me a better person. It is the fundamentals that need a lot more work.

And I come to confess this humbly: who I am today is just not good enough.

They say recognizing the problem is the beginning of change. So here I am, listing my issues out one by one. Hopefully after this sombre activity is done, I’ll clear up my slate and move forward, renewed.

1. Since Primary School, I never took to taking my deadlines seriously and just wanted to slack away, have fun. I didn’t even care much if my lateness will affect others or not. This habit caused me to stay back a year in Secondary School and Polytechnic, and now I’m later than all my peers by at least 2 years.
2. I had very little fighting spirit. There was a point in time when I was pretty sporty, but it died down when I was in Secondary School. Not exercising and pushing myself to the limits (even when I went into BMT) made me fail IPPT in army – and killing all the chances of getting into officer school. This still is a very big blow to me. Don’t get me wrong though: I am thankful for getting to do what I am doing now, but I can’t help but wonder what if I did get into OCS? Perhaps everything would change.
3. My spending habits are awful. Back in Secondary School, my parents gave pocket money very generously (nothing wrong with that). But because of my lack of self-awareness, I cultivated a very bad spending habit. A good friend told me recently that he would “never spend until his account hits 0”. That’s supposed to be common sense right? But to your horror and my horror, the concept felt surprisingly new to me; it was something I never thought about before.
4. I was very untidy and never cared about how my surroundings look. If you work with me you’ll definitely find a lot of clutter on my workspaces (both physical and virtual). I recently realize that having so much clutter actually kills my mind, rendering days of zero-productivity.
5. Since very young, I have been unable to admit my mistakes and weaknesses because I always needed to be in control (it’s a pride thing). That’s probably the reason why I don’t make a very good friend or partner. And in turn, the lack of relating could be the reason why my emotions fluctuate between outright indifference and fiery passion. And in turn, alienating more people in the process. It’s a downward spiral.

Phew.

Okay. I never thought I would be able to narrow everything down into just 5 points. Now that I listed everything out, I feel like I’m more ready to take them down one by one. No more quick fixes, I gotta start fixing within.

Yes, I never thought I’d say this, but thank the goddesses and deities there is still 6 months before ORD. More time to work on myself.

Fight on.

A Part of My Heart

Everyone said goodbye and entered the gantry.

And I stood outside, wondering what just happened.

For that moment the airport felt cooler than usual; the late night made it worse. And for the first time, I noticed the soft piano music playing in the background, echoing along the empty walls - and I felt a tinge of regret why I cancelled my trip at the last minute. But I knew such choices shouldn’t be made based on emotion alone. I know I will do better here, therefore, here is where I will stay.

I wandered around the terminal aimlessly while waiting for Jas to come, and we returned to camp together.

Today was day one. A part of my heart lies in Taiwan now, please stay safe people.

Input ≠ Output

Sometimes you put in a lot, only to see the result of your hard work go to someone else. Sometimes you don’t do anything, yet shit comes. Sometimes people have no skill yet they are given the power to make life difficult for you.

Life is sure feeling like that right now for me.

I often kept myself optimistic and pretend to be oblivious to the situation, but I think if I do this anymore I’ll just drive myself crazy. Something just wasn’t right.

Thus, I sat myself down to reflect carefully so I will not make the same mistakes again.

1. I’m just gonna allocate resources to my areas of responsibility from now on. If I decide to give 50% for work, I will just say no. Even if I have extra time like say, after working hours. That way, I will always have free time for self-development.
2. When I give, I give 100% within the capacity I allocate. My intentions should not be to gain anything in return, not even recognition, affirmation, acknowledgement, or even a word of thanks. If I set off with the correct mentality, these things will fall into place eventually. I also save myself from a lot of mindfuck if I don’t get what I expect.
3. Just enjoy what I do and smile while doing it.

Since I don’t always reap what I sow, why do I even choose to be bothered by it? I can’t change the environment or others, I can only work with myself. So this is what I shall do from now on.

A Week Before Flying

I’m a little apprehensive over going to Taiwan. For one, it’d mean I’m not in Singapore, out of my comfort zone. Trying to remain sane for 18 days, stuck in a 40-men bunk, without any exposure civilization (with the exception of 7-11) is going to be tough.

Not to mention, I would be the lowest ranking soldier to be there, meaning I will get no access to gym and to the mess. Only thing to look forward to is the R&R.

But it would be a nice escape into another land. Too bad Jas can’t come along.

I think I’ll like the idea of traveling alone next time. I’m already dreaming of roaming about in Europe in the future. Come on, 7 more months for me to complete my National Service; 7 more months to leave a legacy here, and then I’ll go =)

!Belong

Belonging, I think everyones want to belong somewhere, be associated with something or someone. After all, no man is an island on his own.

Yet, I’ve come to learn that the complexity of human relationships makes it a very difficult thing to handle. All 23 years of my life I’ve thought the only way to keep a relationship going is to give, be it money, things, attention, whatever.

But at the end of the day I’ll start questioning myself if doing these things will mean anything. I don’t wanna blow my own horn but many many times, I feel like I give too much and get little in return. Although I shouldn’t demand for anything, it’s these little things that add up kill me. Perhaps I’m just envious of the fact that some people can naturally have it all and I can’t. Inferiority complex. :(

My sis told me a few weeks back that this way of looking at life is very flawed. I think deep down I know something is wrong with my approach too. But what if I tell you that I have no idea what the correct approach should be like?

A friend made a comment saying that I have got “a lot of friends here.”

So why then do I feel like I don’t belong anywhere?

Few Days of Living Alone

While everyone was off in Malaysia, I stayed over at Make Studios (aka my future). One thing good about living alone is that you never have to worry about people bugging or nagging at you.

The bad thing is that being at Clarke Quay, everything is freaking overpriced. But it was good, I spent a few days in quiet just doing work, and I think I levelled up.

On a reflective note... To most people, I may seem to have a very high tolerance for things (correct me if I'm wrong). But I don't. I just keep quiet because I don't know how to voice out without sounding like an arse. Perhaps I doubt my own reasons for hanging on to that "right", that could be it.

I think I better sort this out soon. I hate to know that I can do work well, but fail at communicating with people. Argh.